i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
