hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
