Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i dont even know how to be here
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
