I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
