I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
