I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
