so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
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I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
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You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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