Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
