i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
