Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
