I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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