Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
