I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
