apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
