i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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