It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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