dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
