remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
