I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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