Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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