Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
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IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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