He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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