so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
