his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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