textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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