apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
