bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
