my phone needs a breathalizer
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
