I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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