please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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