my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
