It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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