new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
