and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
