I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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