He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
