I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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