someone threw a dead crab at me
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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