I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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