Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
