I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
