about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
