I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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