Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
