I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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