blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
