I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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