oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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