you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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