Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
