Cold hands, warm shart.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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