I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
