I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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