I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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