"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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