I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
