I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
why didn't you poke me back
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
