then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
