life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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