are you still at the devil's house?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
